Avoiding Intimacy

 

How-to-Deal-with-Fear                             Picture from http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2013/03/deal-with-the-fear-of-a-man-leaving-you/

When I was a child, any form of emotional expression was frowned upon or ridiculed. My parents did not express affection for each other. I feel I was not allowed to express love or high emotions for the shame of it. I have a fear of speaking out in public and losing friendships, of being shamed and abandoned.  The fear exists to protect me; yet it’s also ACTING on this fear without THINKING that creates the exact thing I hope to avoid.

I experienced the perfect example of this on Facebook (surprise, surprise) last week. In one of the groups I am in I decided to start a Healing circle for Earth and the people to help us during our ascension. But I had never done this before and felt unsure of myself. I now alllow that this was in fact the right thing to do..I needed/ wanted to observe somebody doing it first to learn. My new friend Sharon did the first month and we are close so we shared the vision..it went beautifully.

However then I missed the post by Sharon asking about Month 2 and another woman stepped up. Because I didn’t step up before this and own my own healing circle that I instigated, I allowed it to be taken over by this woman with a different agenda (her own, which was nothing about the planet Earth). Then I fluffed around like a bee trying to influence, coax, question and try to bring the circle back to its original intention of connecting with Mother Earth. I failed at doing this because she did not listen at all and chose to respond only to the words that she wanted to hear, but I also felt (and probably looked) foolish…Like I was being egotistical and taking over without really taking over. LikeI was trying to take credit which I instinctively knew to be unhelpful. I even undermined the facilitator in a way by not participating (she had taken the whole thing online live streaming and I thought that was ridiculous.

I am ashamed of my actions and behaviour and it showed me so much of my insecurities. I wish it wasn’t also public but that’s how it is. I spent the next few days in shock and crying and asking my angels and guides for help…what is this? Why is it all affecting me so much? I needed to understand it!

It came to me in my garden: “I do not give myself permission to be accepted, let alone to be seen.”

I have realised I have a core negative belief that I am unworthy…but I kind of think that’s a cop out one, regardless of it being true. there are different forms of feeling unworthy. In my case, I feel unworthy if friendship and keeping friends when I find them (They’ll find out the true me is boring, uninteresting, not worthy of true friendship and leave me). This actually did happen to me when I was about 10. My best friend (my only true friend, abandoned me for another girl in my year. I walked around the playground alone, sometimes watching them feeling intense humiliation, shame and sadness. I fear this and so I prevent it form happening by moving around, leaving my work places and not revealing or sharing myself fully with people, even close friends. I do not keep my old friends like other people. I let them go completely when I move on. I always say in my head well, they won’t last anyway…and when things get tricky or complicated, I jump ship and leave.

This is so sad! I want friends, I can’t live my life avoiding them because of a fear they may leave me. Friends only get closer as we get to know each other. Don’t jeopardise them. Love them , accept them. Be open and loving. This is what I tell myself. And in one sense I fully accept this. Yet, something will happen (like the other night on Facebook) where I could see myself getting emotional, over-reacting, becoming more and more intensely insecure and worried that I created more and more of these feelings and probably really DID make people move away from me. It is all so crazily sad.

II have also given up on my sister, she is far too taxing. I apologise for not being there for her but she was also not there for me when I needed her. My whole family dismissed me and my ideas, thoughts, emotions and opinions. I mostly spent time alone cultivating my own imaginary games and creative play.

Having said all this, acknowledging and validating my legitimate need for safety (given my past models and experiences) and maybe even how I am wired can maybe make it easier for me to become more expansive in how I relate to others. Opening up is intriguing.

Understanding my experience and working on feeling accepting and comfortable that I am where i am for good and understandable reasons can be calming  and affirming and might help me find new ways to open.

I ask for help from my guides and angels to shift your perspective and work on letting go of the shame, anxiety, and at times self-hate that make me avoid intimacy and expressions of emotions. Particularly the avoidance of long term friendships and connecting on a soul level. 

Here are the top 5 reasons why people don’t connect emotionally:

  1. Blurred Boundaries:  If you grew up feeling unsafe, surrounded by chaos, upheaval, and loss, or if you experienced these painful scenarios in previous relationships, it’s possible that you over-control and guard your boundaries and your routine in order to feel safe.
  1. Guardedeness;  A childhood of little to non-existent emotional involvement from caregivers? Or did you have that kind of experience with previous partners? If so, you may have internalised rigid patterns and routines, employing them in your own life to protect yourself from the intense feelings that would otherwise be evoked if you allowed in intimacy.
  1. Trauma: At another time in your life, you may have been emotionally engaged. Then bad things happened.If trauma remains under-treated, it can affect and often pollute your hopes and expectations for the future. Your trauma may have made it seem a safer decision to avoid emotional relationships rather than risking the reenactment of trauma in a future relationship.
  1. Natural State of Being: You may not be drawn to relationships, and may just enjoy cultivating your individuality.There are people who intellectually understand the idea of commitment, but just don’t feel interested in pursuing this kind of emotional intimacy at this stage. note; if there is a partner involved, it is important to communicate about this issue.
  1. Intense, Un-meetable Need: feeling intensely, overwhelmingly needy. You recognise it is so intense that you retreat from others so as not to burden them with it.You don’t see how you can love yourself given the intensity of your needs and you can’t imagine that anyone else could love you, so you try your hardest avoid relationships altogether so as not to subject yourself to the shame                          – or Two, you may recognise your intensity of need. This self-experience and self-awareness may have stemmed from having a very needy  mother (etc) growing up who imposed that neediness on you. On a deep level, you may be aware that being attentive to someone else’s needs would mean putting your own needs second, which you already spent a good portion of your life doing, so you retreat to protect yourself. Or, you might feel repelled by the idea of tending to the needs of someone else primarily because your caregivers overwhelmed you with their neediness.

I got a lot of this from this very helpful page if you would like to read more:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201309/5-reasons-people-choose-stay-single

 

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