Well, I know that in my last post I was all gung-ho about clearing my chakras of “toxic debris” but yesterday was a very …tough… day. A reaction was set off by a video.
I made a video for my parents..it is of their life. I spent many hours on it and I made many decisions about the accompanying music and order of historical events etc.
I played it for my parents at Mother’s Day. The video is a gift to them but also the whole family and I feel, deep inside, that it can be both hurting (as in it will open old wounds) and healing. When we sat down to watch it I could feel the tension…they were both very nervous and they did not stop talking the whole time…like that helped them.
It was an ‘aha’ moment for me to witness this. Their inability to express themselves emotionally.
They both had tears in their eyes but quickly tried to hide it and talked endlessly. The video showed all of each of their lives: Their childhood, their family and friends, their passions both individual and combined, their travels, their children and grandchildren. All of the music is meaningful to them both and also to me and my brothers and sisters.
Luckily my husband was clueless of all of this and took it at face value. He chatted afterwards normally and saved us all a lot of awkwardness. They left shortly afterwards professing to love the video and requesting a copy…but hurrying out the door.
I spent the next TWO hours crying almost hysterically in the bath and then in bed. I also did not share my pain …my parent’s daughter 😦 I could not pinpoint exactly what it was I was crying about…everything really:
- The pain I felt because they didn’t adore my video and all my efforts
- The pain of a childhood that stifled all of my emotions which was so obvious tonight
- The pain that addiction has caused in my family, especially to me over the years
- The pain my parents must have experienced in their own childhoods from both having alcohol and addictions in their own families.
- The pain I’m sure THEIR parent’s had likewise etc etc
- The pain my own siblings have with addictions: alcohol, weight (both over and under) and control issues.
- The fear that I may have passed this ancestral inability to communicate emotionally and connect deeply with people and addictive behaviour.
- which lead me to the fear of other things I have taught my children that are wrong.
I knew I had to do something about all of this pain. So I did a meditation. (well, it didn’t feel like a meditation, it was just a reaction to all the pain but that is what I will call it now.
I looked at the photos of myself as a little girl…and I started to talk with her. I told her how gorgeous she was and how special she was and how her life would get better and better as she got older. That she will find happiness. That she has every right to feel alone and neglected and unwanted…and it is perfectly normal to feel sad and protect herself and her heart.
And then we hugged. She lay on top of me (heart to heart) and we cried together while I stroked her back and messy, ‘uncared for’ hair. I could feel lots of other little ones around me: myself s a baby and at different ages, all cuddling up and lying on and around me. It was very emotional (I’m crying now reliving it) She was/is so beautiful and I love her very much. I apologised for not talking to her earlier.
I called out (in my mind) to all of my family and called them to come, my brothers and sisters and their children, my children, my parents, their parents and siblings and all of my ancestors and I performed my self-healing (Ashati energy healing). I imagined all of their bodies superimposed on to mine as I went through each of the chakras and cleansed and purified.
I felt very, very sad and bad all night. ( I even got angry at Herve for not coming in earlier to check on me..he was doing some study and clueless but did not get angry back.)
I woke up feeling much better. Herve was golding me and stroking my head and saying lovely soothing things. I dreamed (and I hardly ever dream) about setting up a ritual using the sacred circle to heal myself and my family.
Also an echidna came and walked (waddled) over my body, dropped its spines and crawled inside !
I offered my mother a healing massage in the afternoon which she accepted. It was lovely…I was thinking more would be said but no, it was just a lovely healing.