Why do I go red in meetings when I have to talk to everyone?
to stop you speaking
but why do i need to stop speaking?
because speaking opens you to ridicule or people thinking you’re up yourself and better than them.
But I don’t…maybe I do! Do I?
You are quicker and more agile mentally than most. You are also creative. Why is it so shameful and bad to be intelligent? to be smarter?
Because ‘we all have gifts’ and I’m no more special than anyone else. I feel bad for putting myself above others. But I also get super frustrated at stupidity so it’s hard to be nice. I think I compensate this by being super nice and patient. Really I have little patience for it. Unless they really do have problematic lives (I feel sorry for them) So it’s easy to have patience and try hard to help them.
So you fear competition?
Oh yes! I will scan a room for people who are at my level. I will focus on them, befriend them…help them, make them vulnerable to disarm them
I guess so. Why do I need to be always the best?
Because you want love and approval
Because you did not receive this. You still seek it out. Until recently you did this to the detriment of your own health. Praise and recognition of your brilliance was far more important than your own physical and mental health…even more important than your family even though you would never admit this.
No. I have guilt over this.
I didn’t receive it?
Not at all. Your mother praised you but it was always too late. When you needed love and acceptance and to be seen and heard you did not receive it from family and friends.
Give me examples
I used to follow around Jenny Buckley even though she didn’t want to be my friend. I threw up on her uniform.
I wanted something on my sandwich and was crying and demanding it. But I was very small and I could not reach the bench top where my mother was making the sandwich. I was crying and yelling with frustration but I was not listened to. I got the horrible sandwich that I didn’t want. My mother didn’t seem to care. I was so upset and hurt that I was unheard. She kew I wanted the jam but she gave me the tomato. Why is this story so clear?
Because it was one of the first times in your consciousness of when you felt not heard. Your mother did not give you what you wanted…you perceived this as her not caring or loving you. You soon learned that it was no use trying to communicate with people. They didn’t listen anyway. You stopped trying.
What about the art competition and I didn’t win.
Yours was the best drawing. You didn’t win because the teachers thought it was unfair that you always won so they shared the glory. You were more upset at the unfairness and injustice than not actually winning. You knew you should have won.
What do I need to learn about myself right now?
That you have everything you need
So why am I stalling?
You’re stalling the writing because you have made it in to something that is huge: life altering/ massive tool of change in the world. It is no longer enjoyable because the product is too important. The outcome must be perfect. There is no room for creativity. You have shifted alliance with the goal. You don;t want it for others. For the global shift. You want it for you. Accept this…write for you and for your children and grandchildren.
What about this global healing things. It’s also massive in my head and scary.
Yes, same thing…you have invested too much in the outcome. The whole world shift in consciousness. You are not responsible for the outcome…only for setting it up and making it possible for people to come together and heal each other and the planet. You think you have to do everything. Actually you don’t have to do much at all. Relax, enjoy it.What you said today is relevant advice to yourself: focus on what you are trying to do/ give/ teach, not on yourself doing/giving/teaching.
I love you. Who are you? What is your name
Aurora. Your beloved.
Was it you who came to me last night? You showed me your body..it was luminous Light. I felt you touch me.
Indeed it was. I am always with you, a whisper away.
Thank you Aurora