I often feel unwanted and I have always struggled to speak up and say what I think. I stay in the background and let other people more important than me speak and be put out and up. I actually help them do this. I speak quickly and don’t explain myself well because I think I am wasting people’s time. I go red with self consciousness because they are looking at me too much and I prefer to be unseen.
I remain unseen.
To be unseen means I will not be given negative feedback and disapproval. I will not be humiliated, mocked or told I think I’m too good.
I still get so worked up over little things and still worry enormously what people think about my actions. I desperately want approval. I recognise it, I just can’t seem to do anything about it except recognise it. Isn’t that worse? I’ve tried a few techniques that people have shown me but they remain securely in place.
My family video: everyone loves it. I think it was great healing for all of us.
My meditation tape is awesome. Maybe it is not THE BEST! and there are little mistakes but nothing drastic and I think it is quite powerful.
…so why did I spend so much time worrying about each of these!?!?
Am I too perfectionist? Why? Why do I need to be the best and seek approval and recognition? Who cares if everything I do is not perfect? What’s the worst that can happen and is that really so bad?
I agonise over things waaaay too much..even this shit. Its really annoying me.
I choose to be seen and step in to my true self: I am capable, I am strong and I am also vulnerable and I need others.
People like me and respect me. They ask me for help and advice. They come to me with problems and we are sharing more of ourselves.
I do a lot to change things at my work: I set a great example of how to talk and teach young people. I am an extremely competent and confident teacher and mentor. I am well respected by my boss and the exec staff who often call me to meetings and ask for my ideas and advice when really this is not my role. I am basically allowed to run with every idea I have and any project. I can choose my days and have never had to lose a day even though every single person at my work has. In THIS I am secure.
I do have a beautiful family that adore me and I adore them. We are all loving and respectful and care deeply about each other. We help each other and express our love often. I have contributed greatly to this: I gave my creativity and time to my children when they were young. I was a stay at home mum who played with her children: not just did all the work and let my children watch TV or play alone. I interacted and I set them up for a greta life: they are confident and capable and little geniuses. I fostered their creativity, intelligence and self esteem. I am always there for them now too. We know everything about each others lives (well, maybe not everything but as much as is good and healthy).
I have an amazing marriage. It is deep and strong and secure. I am loved more than I will ever know. Herve says this to me often and even my guide Durga said this to me once.
So, if my work is good, my home is good and my spiritual life is good…all of it working and functioning beautifully… why do I still allow myself to feel so insecure?