Ancestral Woes

Well, I know that in my last post I was all gung-ho about clearing my chakras of “toxic debris” but yesterday was a very …tough… day. A reaction was set off by a video. Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 4.52.47 pm

I made a video for my parents..it is of their life. I spent many hours on it and I made many decisions about the accompanying music and order of historical events etc.

I played it for my parents at Mother’s Day. The video is a gift to them but also the whole family and I feel, deep inside, that it can be both hurting (as in it will open old wounds) and healing. When we sat down to watch it I could feel the tension…they were both very nervous and they did not stop talking the whole time…like that helped them.

It was an ‘aha’ moment for me to witness this. Their inability to express themselves emotionally.

They both had tears in their eyes but quickly tried to hide it and talked endlessly. The video showed all of each of their lives: Their childhood, their family and  friends, their passions both individual and combined, their travels, their children and grandchildren. All of the music is meaningful to them both and also to me and my brothers and sisters.

Luckily my husband was clueless of all of this and took it at face value. He chatted afterwards normally and saved us all a lot of awkwardness. They left shortly afterwards professing to love the video and requesting a copy…but hurrying out the door.

I spent the next TWO hours crying almost hysterically in the bath and then in bed. I also did not share my pain …my parent’s daughter 😦  I could not pinpoint exactly what it was I was crying about…everything really:

  • The pain I felt because they didn’t adore my video and all my efforts
  • The pain of a childhood that stifled all of my emotions which was so obvious tonight
  • The pain that addiction has caused in my family, especially to me over the years
  • The pain my parents must have experienced in their own childhoods from both having alcohol and addictions in their own families.
  • The pain I’m sure THEIR parent’s had likewise etc etc
  • The pain my own siblings have with addictions: alcohol, weight (both over and under) and control issues.
  • The fear that I may have passed this ancestral inability to communicate emotionally and connect deeply with people and addictive behaviour.
  • which lead me to the fear of other things I have taught my children that are wrong.

I knew I had to do something about all of this pain.  So I did a meditation. (well, it didn’t feel like a meditation, it was just a reaction to all the pain but that is what I will call it now.

I looked at the photos of myself as a little girl…and I started to talk with her. I told her how gorgeous she was and how special she was and how her life would get better and better as she got older. That she will find happiness. That she has every right to feel alone and neglected and unwanted…and it is perfectly normal to feel sad and protect herself and her heart.

And then we hugged. She lay on top of me (heart to heart) and we cried together while I stroked her back and messy, ‘uncared for’ hair. I could feel lots of other little ones around me: myself s a baby and at different ages, all cuddling up and lying on and around me. It was very emotional (I’m crying now reliving it) She was/is so beautiful and I love her very much. I apologised for not talking to her earlier.

I called out (in my mind) to all of my family and called them to come, my brothers and sisters and their children, my children, my parents, their parents and siblings and all of my ancestors and I performed my self-healing (Ashati energy healing). I imagined all of their bodies superimposed on to mine as I went through each of the chakras and cleansed and purified.

I felt very, very sad and bad all night. ( I even got angry at Herve for not coming in earlier to check on me..he was doing some study and clueless but did not get angry back.)

I woke up feeling much better. Herve was golding me and stroking my head and saying lovely soothing things. I dreamed (and I hardly ever dream) about setting up a ritual using the sacred circle to heal myself and my family.

Also an echidna came and walked (waddled) over my body, dropped its spines and crawled inside !

I offered my mother a healing massage in the afternoon which she accepted. It was lovely…I was thinking more would be said but no, it was just a lovely healing.

Shamanic Course Week 2

Wow, just wow!. Another incredible week but so different from the last week.

It makes perfect sense to me. This week I watched  a video by Alberto Villoldo about the way to enlightenment “begins by healing ourselves: by cleaning the toxic sludge and debris inside each of our chakras. Who we were, how we were hurt and who we hurt that define our identity. Without the stories, we no longer have our history and are no longer bound to the causality of our karma.”

Then I can step in to my calling.

chakras affected by trauma and suffering.

I want my chakras to glow with its true nature. I can not be a pure channel of light if my chakras and aura is murky and clogged and stale. I will not be a powerful healer, teacher and guide unless I am not wounded myself. Victims, anger, not being good enough, etc so I can get to meet the jaguar.

I love that I feel the hidden world of my chakras is being revealed, cleansed and healed. That my stories are coming forth into the light.

As an aside: I wanted to eat straight afterwards…so there’s one clue to my weight gain over the last few years: I have not been happy or fulfilled for that long. I had already achieved what I went back to work to prove to myself (to show I was able to contribute, earn my own ‘good’ money and find appreciation and internal reward for helping those less fortunate than myself…tick, tick, tick, tick). But I’m still there. I have cut down my days to just 2 and I do love the friends I have met there.

“Beyond, Beyond, Go beyond the Beyond.” The Buddha

…and be a light unto myself.

St Francis of Assisi

Here are two recent paintings inspired by my guardian St Francis.  The second is St Francis as I feel him, with one of my Spirit Animals The Fairy wren. The first is inspired by a quote:

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light

of a single candle.”

Single Flame.JPG
ancesco di Bernardone, known to us now as St. Francis of Assisi. Francis (1181/2-1226) was thin. He wore a simple tunic, with a piece of rope as a belt, and no shoes. He was eccentric and preached passionately.

St Francis was a person who so surrendered his life to Truth and Light – and evolved beyond the level of faith and belief – he received from God the ability to see and perceive beyond the natural barrier of this physical three-dimensional world, and observe the parallel dimensions that causes all events in this realm – and ultimately what the Bible refers to as the Kingdom of Heaven and God.

He is my inspiration as his way is the true PATH – the true WAY – for all seekers of LIGHT.

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The Prayer of St Francis as said by Catholics:

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francis-of-assisi-quote

Youtube Movie of St Francis with English subtitles:

Life story of St Francis in New York Post: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/01/14/rich-man-poor-man

 

My Sacred Circle-Shamanism wk 1

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This is my Sacred Circle. It is a map of where I stand at this time. It helps me to navigate myself and also helps me to better connect and communicate with my allies and helpers in the Spirit World. It includes the 4 cardinal directions and all that they encapsulate, what is Above and what is Below, What is Within and what is Without.

I really enjoyed making it.  It took me many hours (an a few versions)  but I treated the process as a sacred prayer.

The strangest thing that came to me after finishing this circle is when I thought “Where do I put God?” I originally thought I would represent God as a massive Sun above everything. But that didn’t make sense because that would mean God is separate to me and anyway, I already had a Grandfather Sun.

Then I noticed my vortex right in the middle looked like an eye and the answer of where and what is God came to me, something I have known for many years now…I am.

I AM the flame in the fire of Existence.

I AM the snowflake in the snowfall of BEING.

I AM the drop of water in the ocean of LIFE.

 

I am part of but holding the essence of all that it.

Yet what is a drop of water anyway? Does it not contain all of the elements of water? Is it not indistinguishable from all of the other drops? And what is an ocean but millions and millions of drops. That is all it is…a multitude of drops of water. A drop of water may be experiencing itself in an ocean..maybe slapping around on the surface or gently swaying at the bottom of a deep underwater canyon. It might be cresting a wave or lapping a beach. It might be being sucked into  the gills of a lake fish  or being sucked up a tree or going down the throat of a wolf or lying in a dish under a pot plant. It may be lying still in a stagnant pond or flying through the air down a waterfall. It might be flowing in a river or bubbling over stones on a shallow stream. However it is experiencing itself, it is always water and it is always changing, for it is water and that is its essence.

A drop of water is inseparable. It does not last long on it’s own for it dries out and evaporates and condenses..back to the rhythm of life…so it is not separable after all.

If you were to separate a snowflake and look at it under a microscope, you would see its uniqueness…the delicacy of its patterns and design. But if you were t analyse it and break it into its parts..it is exactly the same as all the other unique snowflakes. Each holds the blueprint, the DNA, the codes of the thing we call SNOW..it’s entirety.

I wish I could add the Soul Light above my head..not sure where to put it. The part of me that exists in Infinity.

Thank you Sacred Circle.

Bird Meditation

This is the video I made of all of my photographs of birds over the last 5 months or so. All from Sydney: National Park, my garden or around my parents house.The currawongs are special to me..the birds photographed here all flew to the path I was walking in the Wolli Creek. 5 birds perched on trees across the path. I was so shocked (they never come down low and scare easily. I sat down where I stood in awe and we watched each other…then I remembered to take photos!

Distance Healing: travelling the Ether

Every week I do distance Healing with my friend Sharon who lives in WA.

IMG_1751Each week is different. I am learning so much about healing. Sometimes I ‘see’ the energy, sometimes I’m moving and turning energy and sometimes I’m just sitting still and allowing the  flow of energy. I’m learning to feel the chakras more (Chakras are small vortexes that rest on the surface of your etheric double -see my pic above. Their two functions are to absorb and distribute prana/Chi/energy to the etheric and physical bodies and unite the fourth dimensional, astral world with your physical body.) We often get messages but not always.

Last night I felt that we both entered another dimension. When I went to Sharon’s chakras for healing I was directed to just simply place it between my “very warm” hands and visualise it (on all of your energetic layers [physical, etheric, emotional etc] and surrounded by its physical body parts) in perfect, Divine health.

That’s all. Just ‘capture’ all of this woman in her divine perfection.

I got the ‘knowing’ that in the place we both were, we could simply BE in perfect, Divine health on all levels.

Then I simply brought that vision back with us into the 3D.

I’m sure this isn’t the end game but I’m getting goosebumps writing this. It’s so perfectly simple.

Edit: I just listened to this…Unbelievable how the Universe conspires to teach you what you need to know, when you need to know it. Archangel Michael

 

Wolf

Wolf is my Power animal.

I love her with all my heart.

Once, when I was out bushwalking in the Blue Mountains I got lost. I was absolutely out of my mind with worry…noises were coming out of my mouth that I didn’t recognise: pure panic noises. I was running back and forth along tracks to find the side path that would lead me home. I was trying to re-trace and retrace again over and over until I was no longer thinking clearly and panic had set in. It must have been hours lost.

I stumbled upon FOX who jumped a metre in the air then ran off. He was telling me to use my wily mind and get back to some sense. But I could not. He only slowed me down for a second or two before I kept running.

As I was running up a hill I stopped suddenly in my tracks…a big wolf was sitting serenely at the top of the track. She turned her head calmly to look at me and then turned back to look the way she was facing. She stood up on all fours pointing East and then looked at me again. I followed her gaze and saw it was the track home.

I slowly walked up and past her, never breaking eye contact. She was very big and powerful and I must admit I was a little nervous passing so close to her…but yet I was also still in shock and so relieved to see the track and deep inside I knew this was something beyond the normal. I walked down the steep track and kept looking back to see if she was coming…she just looked on calmly. When I got to the bottom of the track there was a river. I bent down and gestured and offered her a drink. ‘Would you like a drink?’ But she just looked on and slowly blinked kindly. I walked home.

I told everyone this story..It is an unbelievable one yet everyone believed me.

My Spiritualist Teacher was once giving me a reading when she suddenly loudly exclaimed “You’ve seen your Spirit Guide! …In real Life!” It was then the intuitive thought that this was a spiritual animal guardian was confirmed. I did nit know the name “power animal’ at that time.

This memory keeps resurfacing lately as I come to a real understanding of just how close my dear wolf is to me. Right by my right side…always.

Tonight I remembered something else…in 2007 Herve and I and the girls moved to London for a year’s travel experience (working and schooling and travelling on weekends and holidays). One day we visited WildWoods Animal Park in Canterbury. To this day I still LOVE that place. The special memory I have is that when we got close to the wolf enclosure all the wolves started howling. We thought it was amazing and I had tingles all over my body listening to the sound. It was so intensely beautiful and haunting. I just couldn’t get over it and didn’t want to leave. Just now I went searching for the photos of that time and discovered to my delight that I had taken a video to capture the magic.

Now I entertain the thought that the wolves were howling to me, in recognition. The wolf in this video is the same colouring and size of the wolf I met on my walk in the mountains.

They even look at me (in the video). How utterly beautiful and amazing.