So I’m reading a marvellous book: The Handbook of Higher Consciousness.
It is helping me to peel away the layers I have been holding. Perceptions of the way I see life built up from my :
- addictions (to security, power or sensations/emotions),
- past experience,
- language system
- my accumulated ideas, theories, knowledge,
- my nervous system structure and the feedback from my body and senses and auric field.
This picture I have built up of the world from all of these are also my filter from which I perceive all things. All people and all circumstances and situations. It determines how I respond, who and what I like and don’t like (whether they support/agree with my world view and are therefore ‘comfortable’ and can stay) or oppose my world view and can therefor be removed. …and they’re wrong! haha
So, I had a breakthrough from an incident with Herve. I was crapping on trying to share a story about an abused woman but didn’t know how to describe her to him. To me, that was not the interesting part as I wanted to share the story heard, but I was trying to describe what I knew about her (not much) and was getting annoyed that Herve didn’t just know who it was from my little descriptions (admittedly some factual errors). I was getting so frustrated at getting sidetracked with this part that I started saying he should know who she was! I was implying this because he loves tennis and follows the game..I said I didn’t know he was sexist and only followed male tennis stars.
He then got annoyed. Stopped and demanded an apology. He was “sick of’ being treated like he was sexist.
So I did apologise…badly and then stopped talking to him for 2 days while I processed what the hell was going on inside me to have this reaction!
Usual crap: I can’t handle criticism. It means I have stuffed up and am not perfect. I’m addicted to being right! I was always treated like an idiot who knew nothing growing up as the youngest girl of 4 sibling.
But ….on my walk just now I also realised something else…I didn’t like him thinking I was naughty and not a ‘nice girl’. I hold a lot of stake on being nice, kind, good. But here was my husband demanding I apologise for being not nice at all! I was humiliated! embarrassed as I was not nice, not good…and therefor not worthy of love. Only good girls get cuddled and held and smiled at and told they are good.
‘Love is conditional’
That is the conclusion my little girl mind came to from my experiences. I must be good to be loved. This is a pretty intense discovery for someone who walks in the Light.