So, had a night’s sleep after a bit chat with Herve (who told me his love is unconditional…and actually it always has been) and woke up with some more clarity.
It’s all well and good to recognise a belief you hold but I must work through this to the end. You see, this is actually not new…I think we all know our issues as they are always going around and round in our minds. But there is a big difference to the records being played in your head and responding, robot-like, to everything around you, and actually shifting it out so you no longer get triggered.
So, recognising that I am addicted to the idea of being ‘good’ (and good for me means being kind, patient, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, friendly to everyone, understanding, generous, tolerant of all differences, helpful, calm and ….quiet) so that when I catch myself, or worse somebody else catches me (that’s where the aversion to criticism comes in), I have a hard time!
I feel shame, guilt and embarrassment. To help myself feel less of these emotions, I usually shift the blame to someone else…the person who caught me out or the situation itself…whatever. But mostly, I am angry and disappointed at myself and blame creates even more guilt and shame…I’m my own worst critic. I am far harsher with myself than with anyone else. Certainly I do not demonstrate to myself kindness, forgiveness, understanding, patience, tolerance, compassion and generosity! My love for myself has been conditional.
The beauty of healing and understanding the Hermetic laws (everything is mental) is the knowledge that all of this is in the mind (conscious and subconscious). All of it! I’m here to experience all of this and use it to expand. It seems all real but it’s all play and creative imagination. I need merely reprogram my biocomputer through suggestion to the subconscious part of my mind with the assistance of the Superconsciousness (invoking my Higher Self).
I retrain my mind to accept that yes, I prefer to be a good person, with all that that entails, but I’m not addicted to it. When I was addicted to being good, I would HAVE TO be good, no matter what! And when I was, I didn’t acknowledge it (maybe just short term) and was mostly indifferent to myself or feeling relief. And if I was NOT good? well…blame, shame and pain!
Now I decide to make a conscious choice. A preference. I also choose to remove the word good, as it has too many childish connotations, and simply reprogram my mind with the suggestions (visualisations and phrases) that I am loving and loved.
I use all of my powers towards the following aim:
I am Loving and I am loved. I give love and I receive love.
Each day, in every way, I love that I am growing and expanding in love.
This means that when I am demonstrating the behaviours of being loving (listed above under ‘good’), I feel that life is great, things are flowing in perfect harmony and order, and I feel satisfied. Calm. Strong. Grateful.
However, when I do not demonstrate these qualities or behaviours, that’s perfectly fine too. Maybe I am even the opposite sometimes. I am human. I am learning and each day I am releasing all that no longer serves my highest good. But I’m patient with the process and patient and loving with myself. Generally I am loving but I am housed in a body and it has chemicals and hormones that serve a purpose for my good but they can affect my moods:
I am also subject to the ideas, beliefs, emotions and perceptions of others and situations. I can learn to take a breath, look from the Hanged Man’s point of view and give myself a bit of slack…just swing and let the life-force flow through me.
I am also more able to apologise as I no longer have to defend my ‘goodness’. Being good is just a preference, I’m not addicted to the idea anymore and it’s OK to express all of myself. I need to be true and sincere to myself as well as others.
And if I am criticised? (the trigger of this whole exploration), well, that is the other person’s perception (from their own ‘picture of life’) and I can’t control that or even understand it as who the hell knows what’s going on underneath their cover…I’m having enough trouble sorting out my own! But I can recognise that my own behaviour may or may not have been appropriate and either make amends or make a conscious (not threatened/fearful/victimised) choice about my behaviour or even my relationship with that person.
In truth, all I am learning is to better understand myself in order to greater love myself. I am learning to give love and receive love …to and from myself.
And that Love is Unconditional.
My heart is full of gratitude that I have Spirit, especially Mary Magdalene, to help me unpack and come to greater AUTHENTIC love of self. A real embodiment of ALL, not judged, not tainted with concepts of sin or any form of ‘good’ or ‘bad’.